The Day I wrote my LOVE Letter…
I was walking barefoot in the woods as I had done everyday, rain or shine, for the past year. I had been given this “love letter assignment” from a good friend, someone I very much respected and would do any task they asked of me, within reason. I was dreading it but I didn’t know why. Maybe it seemed “beneath me” or juvenile or just plain difficult to summon supportive and loving words for what was my current self.
I hiked to the top of a mountain and took a long sit. Nothing was coming to me. The scene was beautiful to look at, as it always was, but that day I felt numb. Defeated, I walked back down the mountain. I guess I expected some divine intervention to come to my aid and help me start the flow of loving speech towards myself, but I guess the mountain top was not the place.
I came upon a family of mature trees and I had no choice but to climb the middle one as high as I had the courage to go. Pushing myself I reached for one more branch and took a seat high in the canopy. I closed my eyes and imagined if the breeze that ran its fingers through my hair had a voice, what it would sound like? If the tree could wrap its arms around me, what that would feel like? “A Great Mother”, I thought. That’s who she is. The most nurturing, compassionate, deep-rooted, live-giving voice would come from her and I knew it well. I could feel in my body the years that I had been guided by her. I began searching my memories for moments that stood out in my mind. Digging deep, I remembered myself as a little girl playing in my back yard. Covered in mud, wearing a crown made out of dandelions and a long skirt like the girls from “Little House on the Prairie.” I ran through the field laughing, full of joy, not playing in the wind but WITH the wind. Having a full conversation with her, in my mind, I went over to that little girl and she turned to me with a big smile on her face.
I spoke to her in my best “Great Mother” voice. Telling her how much I love her and how proud I am of her. How I see now how strong and connected she is. I see how things could have gone much differently. How she could have become hardhearted or disconnected, but she didn’t. Quite the opposite—instead she loved more and more— she had a BIG heart that tried to save everyone around her from any pain or heart ache. She worked hard to be worthy of love.
In that tree I wept. Not sad tears, but ones of great compassion and peace. I told that little girl that she was WORTHY of love – MY LOVE – and that she belonged here with me. For the first time in my life I felt TRUE BELONGING. I found my home.
The actual letter was written when I got back to my car. I keep it in a safe place and re-read it from time to time when I need reminding.
The mantra that came from this day: “I AM HOME.”